Ozarks Marriage Matters

When things are not going well in a relationship, it can feel like you and your spouse are always squabbling with each other, but in reality it’s rarely that bad. In fact, it is far more likely that you are arguing with each other only a small percentage of the time, but the residue from these occasions dampens your spirits, clouds your outlook, and causes you to focus only on the less than pleasant interactions.

Eric and Sarah* are a good example. They are obviously distressed when I have my initial meeting with them and insist that they “fight all the time.”  When I press them for details, asking about which nights they argued in the previous week, they admit their biggest blowout was last Sunday night with a minor skirmish on Thursday evening around supper time. When I ask what they did on the nights when they didn’t quarrel, they exchange puzzled expressions and admit they don’t really remember.

“We probably watched TV,” says Eric. “I mean, I always watch TV football on Monday night and a couple of other programs on Tuesday.”

“I know we were home,” responds Sarah, “but we most likely just didn’t have much to do with each other. We were probably busy with the kids.”

Believing is Seeing

Like so many couples who believe they argue all the time, Eric and Sarah only notice the evidence that confirms this perspective. If they were able to observe their interactions with greater objectivity, they would acknowledge that they really do not quarrel all the time. In fact, their conflicts are typically relegated to certain sore subject areas on predictable nights of the week, and at habitual times of the day. In spite of this, they are pretty close to throwing in the towel on a ten-year, two-kid-marriage because they believe they “fight all the time” and “fighting is bad for the kids.” They are ready to succumb to the theory that they married the wrong person; their differences are irreconcilable; and it would be better for everyone if they just divorced.

Evidence to the Contrary

Markman, Stanley and Blumberg, authors of Fighting for Your Marriage, call this kind of thinking “negative interpretation,” and note the importance of looking for evidence to the contrary. In other words, when your partner disappoints or frustrates you, what do you tell yourself? Do you mind-read and put the worst possible interpretation on his or her behavior; or do you give your mate the benefit of the doubt? Do you consider the possibility that you may not have heard or interpreted the situation correctly? Are you allowing for the likelihood that something else might be going on with your spouse of which you are not aware? Do you cast your whole relationship in a dismal light, or do you say to yourself, “We’re going through a rough patch. A lot is going on and things are pretty stressful right now.”

Noticing Something Good

Then there’s the matter of paying more attention to the positive things your partner is doing than emphasizing the negative. When things are not going well, one or both spouses often feel unappreciated. Bringing home the groceries, cooking meals, giving the kids a bath, doing yardwork . . . all these things and more may go unacknowledged when things are not going well, leaving both parties feeling alone and devalued. Making a point to notice and express appreciation for the contributions of one’s spouse is critical to relationship satisfaction. In the coming week, take time to watch for and point out positive things you see your spouse and kids doing. Let them know how pleased you are for what they do. See if it makes a difference!

Relationship education will help you reduce negative interpretation in your couple communication. It will also help you better navigate stressful times in your life, enabling the two of you to work as a team to solve your problems together.

*Fictitious names representative of couples seen in actual practice.