Ozarks Marriage Matters

Let’s say that things have not been good between you and your mate for some time. You both hate the thought of divorce because of how it will affect your kids, but neither can you stomach the thought of continuing your relationship as is. A dreary cloud hangs between the two of you, making it hard to believe things could improve. You are willing to consider outside help, but you wonder if you have the energy for a process you believe will take months with no certain outcome of success.

If you find yourself thinking these dreary thoughts, it may be difficult to believe things could improve substantially with some simple steps. You may believe the damage done to your relationship is so irreparable that it will take years of therapy to unravel. Moreover, you have little assurance that therapy would actually help and you’re not sure your spouse would agree to it anyway. Does that mean it’s time to throw in the towel?

Try These Five Steps First

Assuming the two of you are not in a violent relationship, have ongoing problems with infidelity on the part of one or both parties, and addiction problems are not a big issue, then there are some things you can do to turn your relationship around in the short run and get it headed in the right direction. It may not be as difficult as you think to make a noticeable improvement, after which you can always pursue additional help for any thorny concerns that remain. Commit yourself to the following actions:

1) Make a list of the good things.  When things aren’t going well, we tend to accentuate the negative. Force yourself to sit down and make a list of all the things your spouse does well. This might include holding down stable employment, keeping the cars in good condition, being a good parent, helping with homework, doing the yard work, or keeping up with the laundry. Often we don’t realize the day-to-day contributions our partner makes to the family until he or she is gone.

2) Celebrate your partner’s accomplishments.  Recent studies tell us thriving couples celebrate the happy moments in each other’s lives with greater regularity. Noticing the good things important to your spouse may be even more important than comforting him or her when things are not going well. This could be as simple as noticing your spouse’s success related to a fishing trip, a golf game, or at work—even if you wish he spent more time at home. It may include taking an interest in her re-decorating project, a positive work evaluation she received, or the good grade she received in a class she is taking—even though the time she spends in class puts a greater burden on you.

3) Stop enlisting negative support.  It is easy to want the support of others when we’re unhappy, but sympathetic friends are often more supportive of us than of our relationship. When they hear bad things about our mate they may find it difficult to consider both sides and give an unbiased perspective.

4) Do something new together.  It might seem ironic for a couple on the brink of divorce to sign up for an adult education class or activity, but experiencing something new together is often exactly what is needed for a relationship gone south. You fell in love because you had fun together; to fall back in love you will want to re-do what you once did to recreate some of the old magic.

5) Take a relationship education class.  Therapy may be necessary and helpful, but try a class first—or at the same time. Good relationship education is skills-based. It will help you learn new ways to handle the perplexing issues that brought you to where you are today. At the very least, it won’t hurt and it will help you gain a more positive, hopeful perspective on how things can improve while building supportive friendships with other like-minded couples.

Not every marriage can survive. Some are dangerous or extremely unhealthy, but on average, most people make a pretty good choice when they marry. Operation Us helps couples keep the love alive in good times and bad. To learn more, go to www.operationus.org or call us at (417) 823-3469.