Ozarks Marriage Matters

You don’t get married to solve problems. Sure, solving problems is part of marriage and if you do it as a team you’re going to be happier, but this is not the reason you got together in the first place. You most likely got together because you talked like friends, you had fun together and you wanted to be exclusively sexual with each other. The problem with many marriages is that after a while you stop talking like friends (i.e., you only do “problem talk”), you stop having fun together (i.e., you fall into the same old ruts and routines), and your sexual relationship becomes more and more mundane.

“We’re so different,” moaned Beth. “Josh loves hunting, fishing and camping. I despise them. His idea of a good time is a cold beer and a football game on television. I could care less. I love the music, theater and the arts. I could spend all day at the museum. He acts like doing “my things” are b-o-r-i-n-g! I don’t think we have anything in common except the kids. I wonder how we ever got together in the first place.”

“He forgot my birthday, drinks too much, and flirts with all my friends, but I really do love him!”

“She treated me badly, went out with my best friend, and now calls up and said she wants me back. My friends say to forget about her, but I really do love her.”

“I know he’s married, but he says he never really loved his wife. We have so much in common. He’s just waiting for the right time to tell his kids. Then I know we’ll be together.”

How is it possible to fall in love with someone who treats us poorly, appears to care less about the relationship than we do, and cannot be counted on to come through for us when the chips are down? At some level we know this is not in our best interest, but we fall head over heels anyway.

Let’s say that things have not been good between you and your mate for some time. You both hate the thought of divorce because of how it will affect your kids, but neither can you stomach the thought of continuing your relationship as is. A dreary cloud hangs between the two of you, making it hard to believe things could improve. You are willing to consider outside help, but you wonder if you have the energy for a process you believe will take months with no certain outcome of success.

If you find yourself thinking these dreary thoughts, it may be difficult to believe things could improve substantially with some simple steps. You may believe the damage done to your relationship is so irreparable that it will take years of therapy to unravel. Moreover, you have little assurance that therapy would actually help and you’re not sure your spouse would agree to it anyway. Does that mean it’s time to throw in the towel?